holy effff

I've written so many blog posts over the last two weeks, about some of the things I've been going through, but I keep deleting them because I don't want this space I've created to be negative. But then I realized, it' okay to write about how I'm feeling- good or bad because this is my blog :)

So where do I even begin? 

You know that pretty picture you dream up in your head of how your life is going to turn out? Well after 22 years of imagining, spiritually creating and planning out my life.. everything changed when I married the love of my life.

For about two years now we've living in California. I wake up and see the beautiful ocean everyday. My once straight hair is now a curly mess that has to be contained to a braid or ponytail because it's so humid. I'm not working for the first time 7 years. I went from taking classes at a university to a city college. I have zero friends my own age. I've lost touch with my comfort zone. I'm going to school for a degree I'm never going to use, but its something I want for me, I can't explain it. I'm in the best place spiritually that I've ever been, yet I feel more judged than I did when I wasn't so strong. I'm experiencing life in a way I never imagined.

I'm happier than ever and at the same time more confused than I've ever been in my entire life. I know that I have to let go of my own plan in order for God's to take place. It's just hard waiting for an answer sometimes, when I feel so lost.

I literally have no idea where Zack and I will be in 1, 2 or even 10 years but I do know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and that as long as we stay on that path, we will be blessed infinitely.

Even though I have faith that we are here in California for a reason.. Somedays I can't help but what wonder WHAT THE HECk am I doing here?? (or most days for that matter)

Life is crazy. It throws you curve balls. Turns your world  upside down, but all you can do is keep moving forward.

Have you heard that quote by Carl Sagan, "I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way." That's basically my life.

I believe that Santa Barbara is where Zack and I are supposed to be right now, but living here is SO hard.

I feel like ever since I've been here I've been fighting to stay myself. Maybe it's just a Santa Barbara thing, but I've literally been expected to fit into this cookie cutter mold that these people have created. I'm expected to have these old lady hobbies, spend more time doing relief society activities than spend time with my husband, stop talking to all my Utah friends and family and MOVE ON from them to become friends with all of these people who could care less about me, ECT.. Get it?

I'm expected to be THEM, not ME, not me at all!

No thanks :)

.. and that my friends, is exactly why I don't really have any friends in California. 

* BUT the couple of friends I do have here are complete gems! I'm soo thankful to have them in my life!!! *

So let me just tell you that the last two weeks have been madness! Complete madness. It's been eye opening and life altering, for good and for bad. I have this new sense of freedom.. I don't know how else to explain it.

You know those times in life when something bad happens 10 more sucky things just happen to hit all at once. Yeah? Well I feel like I'm drowning in them right now. To say its been a hard couple of weeks is an understatement.

For one, I got some really really bad news. I was heartbroken. It's not something I want to share on here, but the important thing is that after a lot of faith and prayer things have started  looking up in the most amazing ways! I can't even believe it.

Another thing that happened that really sent me over the edge was when someone "close" to me who should be treating me like family, completely insulted my actual family. Plus it wasn't the first time they had insulted them either! UGH.

Not to mention I've heard this person gossip nasty things about me, make judgements about me, exclude me from things, ect.. But hearing them insult my FAMILY for what, like the 5th time now just really got to me. 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE? How can someone be so rude over and over and over? The worst part is that everyone praises this person and comes up to me ALL the time telling me how lucky I am to have them in my life. HA! If they only knew...

Maybe this happens because I've been too nice to fight back? I hate confrontation. But, from now on I'm being brave. I'm not going to let people be rude for no good reason anymore, unless they wanna hear what I think about it. Is it California, Santa Barbara, or just the people in my life here? 

Holy freaking crap. Right? Ahh.

Thankfully I have an amazing husband who takes the best care of me and makes me feel so loved all the time. I would be so lost without him!!! 

I have the most wonderful family and friends who I completely adore! They are worth every mile and we're going to continue traveling back and forth between CA and UT so that we can spend time with them :) It's not everyday you find great people that are worth keeping in your life, so we truly cherish the ones we have!